People high on avoidance were more likely to agree with statements like “I feel burdened by my phone.” It’s almost as if the phone is “this intrusive entity that’s taking away from their capacity to enjoy things,” Trub says. Of course, it's a both/and question.” This reveals something of the deeper mechanics at work for why matching texting styles signal a more general compatibility: someone with avoidant attachment might be alarmed by lots of messages (hence the dangers of “double texting,” or sending consecutive texts without a reply), while someone more proximity-seeking will be made nervous by not getting a reply all day.
“They need to feel free of it.” The attachment is happening with the device, as well as the people behind them. In her practice, Hertlein will see couples who have problems when one texts the other with an urgent message, saying they want to talk, and their partner doesn’t reply right away.
Texting is weirdly intimate yet distant: like a call, it shows up right there on your phone, which is likely on you, yet it’s also what communications scholar call “asynchronous”—like email, you can choose to view and reply to message at your own convenience. ” says Hertlein, who has a couples’ therapy practice and also studies technology’s impact on relationships.
My specialty in private practice is intimacy and relationships. Would I over-analyze everything and scare people away?
“Am I attached to my phone because I'm attached to the people on the other side of it? “You have now violated the contract in the relationship,” she says, expressing that vexed viewpoint. You're supposed to be immediate, and now you have a device that makes you immediately available.” Put into media studies language, the aggrieved party was in a synchronous mode, while the other was acting more asynchronously.
Hence why texting style can be so important: “If both people have a more asynchronous style then that would be a fit,” she says.
I was a licensed counselor and adjunct professor teaching in a counseling department.
The dating world had become a very different world since my years as a teenager.